just existing

 For as long as I can remember I have just existed I have never been anyone favorite person pretty sure my parents don't even like me most the time. I have spent the most of my life trying to earn someone's love because being me was never enough. Pretty sure that all started in high school When my parents got divorced and my life turned upside down. I lost the house I grew up in, I Lost my step dad who for as long as I can remember is my dad. My 2 step sisters who I spent the last 10 plus years with everyday were now strangers who I saw every now and then in the hallways at school. I remember feeling pain that I never new existed I remember one day while sitting in our new apartment (which I hated) watching girl interrupted and she drank a 1/5 of vodka and followed it with a bottle of Advil. I was young and dumb and with what I know now its not gonna do anything but give me a really bad hangover in the morning and I'll spend a lot of time hanging out around the toilet. What I do remember is when I went to school the next day and told my counselor what had happened he picked up the phone and called my dad (step dad) and even tho there was a restraining order in place between him and my mom he didn't care he showed up that day at school and didn't care what happend to him. that was the last time I honestly felt like I mattered to someone and I have chased that feeling my whole life. I remember the hug he gave me I remember the tears I covered his Tan over coat with and he told me that he loved me and I believed him. in the next couple of years life seemed to get a little more normal my mom bought a house that would be my home for the rest of my school years I got a job and made some real friends so I thought. I also met the first guy I had ever fallen in love with and would spend the rest of my high school years dating. We were together all the time, minus school because he went to a different one. We worked together and when we weren't working we were together, life was great so I thought we graduated he went away to school and my life has never been quite the same while he was gone he cheated on me a couple of times and was even told that he got a girl pregnant and he did what he was supposed to do and tried to build a family. That was the day my life changed and I have never fully trusted someone at face value again. I have always been prepared to leave or be left at anytime and I have excepted the bare minimum from almost every guy I have been with. And up until yesterday I haven't had any closure or been able to say what I needed or wanted and I feel different. Not better but I know my worth I know that I will not accept anything else then that.